Doggy Dos and Don’ts

My pooch is a three year old cockapoo and goes by the name “Squiggle”. We didn’t choose her name. Oh, and she’s a bitch; take that how you want.

Now since I have had a dog I have mentally made a list of dos and don’ts that every owner should follow/ cooperate with, and I have decided to show you some of, what I deem to be, the most important points.
1. Don’t feed them curry, or any other exotic substance for that matter, unless you want to pick up the sludge the next morning.

2. Also don’t feed them anything that’s toxic. Chocolate ice cream is NOT a good idea.

3. Be careful not to aggravate your dog in the evenings or any time that they might be tired. I don’t necessarily stick to this one, however if you still want a nose I suggest that you do. (Yes I have a nose; I am just wary about yours as the amount of times my dog has gone for me after pissing her off for a good twenty five minutes is staggering)

4. Walk her when she needs to be walked. You don’t want to go into your living room and find substances that belong on other people’s verges on your floor. Once I came in from school and my God the house reeked, I walked into the kitchen and the odour deteriorated. Then I saw it. The dog had crapped the biggest crap I think I have ever seen in my life. So this rule is very important.

5. Don’t leave your dog’s poo on the grass. It’s not fun for anyone. Especially when you walk in it and can’t get rid of the smell and sample for months.

6. Take full advantage of the fact that you are in control of another being. Of course animals have rights, but have fun with your dog, play one-sided games. The chances are your dog won’t really care, and you will laugh so hard. (Personally, I love the “try to balance random things on your dog without them falling off”)

7. Although having fun with your pet is a good idea, don’t put their lives at risk. That’s a bad plan. My sister let go of Squiggle’s lead the day after we bought her. Long story short, we were very lucky that all of the cars stopped almost immediately. So pay attention.

8. I like my dog, and I know that others like theirs too. But I don’t want to know about your dog and what they can and can’t do every five minutes. I simply don’t care.

9. Don’t give your dog an accidental nickname; especially when it is rude. I gave Squiggle the nickname “Fuckfuck”. It has since backfired after my parents caught me using it. So I advise you not to come up with an accidental name for your pet.

10. Name your pet a cool name. No explanation needed.

11. Make up games with your pet. I have a game where I chase her around the house whilst chanting “I’m gunna get you”. I believe she enjoys it.

12. A way to make your pet love you forever is to give them food all of the time; if you’re having meat or fish for a meal save some aside. My dog’s favourites are roast anything and carrots. Also feed your dog when they need to be fed, because face-palm.

13. Teach your dog tricks, you will automatically be awesome; just don’t perform them on your walks. You will be judged.

14. Walking your dog is a very good excuse to take pictures of cute landscapes, so make sure you take your pet to picturesque places. You, your dog, and all of your snapchat and Instagram followers will benefit. (The latter, not so much)

15. Don’t leave your pet in the car, it will not end up well. Also, if you must, leave the sunroof or the windows slightly open; too much or too little space determines your dog’s future. #HappyTimes

That’s my mental list of doggy dos and don’ts. I suggest that you follow these, and everyone will be a little bit happier ie me.

If you follow your own list of rules, or follow some of mine selfconsciously please comment!

Best wishes,




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