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My Olympic Gold Medal – at being a fatass

Widly televised, the holy sports event that is the Olympics has come around again. Woohoo! Yet, for me, this means that instead of getting inspired and joining my local gym or swimming team, I have perfected the art of laziness.

When the games start, athletes from all over the world compete to have the chance to grasp a prestigious gold medal; a prize that makes up for the individual’s life commitment to the sport, a prize that shows just a glimpse of the hard work needed to even qualify.

For all, the Olympics is a chance to cheer on your Country, to scream at the television, to make dodgy remarks about the other teams. For most, the Olympics is special and holds so much significance in the sporting world. However, for a few, the Olympics is the ending of a long and tedious four years of training, endurance and perseverance.

Now, I’m no Olympian, you only have to take one look at me to figure that out, but the past few years have been a test for me. Every week for four years now, I have sat on my sofa with the gruelling task of watching anything that is being shown on my TV. From decent programmes to garbage ones, I have been training to sit in front of that screen watching shows for hours on end.

My Training:

Conditions

First of all the environment has to be right. The cushions, the lighting, the snacks, everything, has to be spot on. There should be no getting up. Personally, I need a blanket, no lights and my snacks etc are placed on a stool in front of me.

(For those of you wondering, toilet breaks have to wait, which is why there should be little liquid consumption.)

Diet

Now, for my diet, anything works. Whatever you enjoy and is unbelievably calorific is a thumbs up (not necessarily a thumbs up from a nutritionist).

Home Life

Sadly my training has had a negative impact on home life. My mother is, to this second, texting my friends on my behalf to arrange some sort of play date. No thanks. She also does not appreciate my efforts and has become increasingly angry towards me. It’s safe to say that my Victoria’s Secret bra has given me more support than my family, which is a shame yet not the end of the world as at least I have my money’s worth.

So what does all of this account for I hear you ask? Heart disease, high blood pressure and death are all high up on the list. But also up there is the Olympics.

I get very invested in the games; it is the only time that I will sit down and watch any form of sport, something that my friends and family don’t do with me. This means that instead of going outside (I admittedly don’t see other humans often) I stay inside, and glue myself to the sofa until I force myself to go to bed at 4 o’clock in the morning to have a good rest for tomorrow’s events. I think that I should win a medal.

So, next time they play a video on getting involved and taking part in sports, I will be scoffing my mouth full of crisps/ silently crying and doing the total opposite; supporting team GB from the other side of the world and getting fat.

*side note: I have actually signed up to my local boxing club, with sessions starting in September. My TV better watch out for Tokyo 2020! 

Best wishes,

Sofia

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