It’s common knowledge that I am too wonderful that it hurts, so I thought I would share my secrets with you. (Most of these things I don’t do; fabulous comes naturally to me)
You need to;
- Change your name to Sofia (not compulsory, but it is preferred)
- Have at most 8 hours sleep, you don’t want to look too awake. The “dead” look turns a lot of heads so I tend to go with that.
- Dress okay-ish. Keep it comfortable and classy.
- Wear minimal makeup; you don’t want to hide the bags under your eyes.
- Intend to do healthy activities ie go running and then forget. (Jelly > jogging)
- Ignore people who are annoying and way too energetic- no one needs that first thing on a Monday morning, or indeed, ever.
- Binge watch Netflix programmes instead of doing homework or revision. I can learn about Mitochondria tomorrow, right?
- Forget important information that people tell you to do.
- Perfect a good fake laugh that is adaptable for all situations.
- Eat more energy than you use up.
- Spend money on food that you should probably save up for something more important. But to be fair, what’s more important than a Tesco meal deal? Exactly.
- Have nerdy friends to make yourself feel more intellectual (or stupid- depending on how you look at it).
- Smell like flowers.
- Sing like Cheryl Cole.
- Radiate sass.
- Act like a superstar. Always.
- Prefect the hair flip/flick- useful for every conversation and weather problems.
- Master the act of having two personalities in lessons- mute and high volume (will damage your ears if listened to for more that two hours)
- Be content with your own company.
- Be content with your own dance moves- I mean seriously, call me Mr Michael Jackson. Actually don’t.
- Live in England for fifteen years, and deal with the consequence of having the lightest, fairest face known to man.
- Burn like plastic in an oven.
- Be known to your local sweet shop manager on a first name basis. Yes, I’m at that level. You can’t deny the haribo people.
- Let the haters suffocate on their wasted breathe.
- Finally, SLAY.
Until next time,