With middle-aged women, drunk or pregnant twenty-somethings, cider-drinking thirteen year old boys from Brixton and travelling students roaming your timeline, the book of face is a strange, strange place. Lord knows why you still have an account.
So the next time Megan posts a photo of her revolting, frivolous luncheon, or when Rhonda decides that it’s a good time to share her support for the Donald, not only face palm, but also share this post with them. Please. #saveyourfacebooktimeline
Here is a list of Facebook dos and don’ts to help make the scrolling experience more productive.
- Unlike Megan, no one thinks that a plate of uncooked chicken is goals. Nor does anyone think that a plate of black sludge is appetising. Sorry to break it to you but the food that makes you #blessed makes me uncomfortable *and also puts me into fits of laughter. Don’t be like Megan.
- Look I get it, you really want to go to Coachella with me – but dude have you seen the prices? Hell no I’m not forking out £100 to spend 2+ days with you. In a tent. No thanks. Moral of the story = please don’t send random invitations to events.
- Also please don’t send me candy crush invites. Just don’t. I will candy crush your face in a minute.
- Do upload cool photos of your holiday, it’s nice to know what you’re up to. However, please don’t post a new album every. Minute. Of. The. Day.
- Now for Rhonda, supporter of the Donald – WHY??? I don’t need a two page racist rant on why you hate the Mexicans this early in the morning. Actually, I take that back. I don’t need a two page racist rant ever, so why give me one when it’s not necessary?
- I’m so happy for you and I am super glad that you are pregnant, but I don’t need to see your happiness and belly button whenever I refresh my google tab. An update is lovely once in a while, however a live stream is not helpful when I am bunking off work in the toilet cubicle and checking my timeline quickly.
- Next is Brendan the hunky 6ft stranger you met at the club. There is nothing wrong with Brendan, we just need to take a second to pray for his iCloud storage as it’s clearly filled with the heaps of gym selfies flooding his profile. Do go the the gym, just don’t document your journey from the treadmill to the rowing machines. Thanks.
- Depression is not a laughing matter; so why are you misusing the word and mentioning how “depressed” you are in your status? And why don’t you want to talk about it when you’re asked what’s wrong?
- Don’t brag. Please don’t brag.
- Do think before you like/ share/ comment on something. Everyone can see what you are doing and in this PC world someone will get offended. For example, by sharing a YouTube video of some cute cats, dog lovers will be upset. Naturally. It’s in their blood.
- Oh my goodness I had no idea that you two were seeing each other. Oh wait. I do know. Perhaps due to the almost hilarious amount of relationship updates you give your “friends”. We get it, you really like each other’s lips, we just don’t need to see it. Jeez.
- Also, please cover up your junk.
- Promoters are also seriously annoying. “I think I must have heard about Sofia’s blog one hundred times already. Can someone shut that unfunny girl up – I’m begging you.”
- Don’t post a mildly attractive photos of yourself and caption it as “feeling ugly”. Come on, you are quite clearly fishing for compliments.
- Please don’t change your profile picture five times a day. Holy moly it was fine the first time!
Happy September 🙂