How To

How to Stress Out a Fellow Year 11

Want to annoy a fellow Year 11? Want to see the look of anxiety on their face as you piss them off? Well you’re in the right place.

Follow these simple rules, sit back, relax, and watch on as the stress mounts:

  • Post endless photos of your artsy fartsy, fancy pansy revision notes that probably took a few hours to create. You know, those few hours that everyone else spent procrastinating, looking at that photo as well as the hundreds of other photos on Instagram. And Pinterest. And Tumblr. And Twi..
  • Make fun of other people’s shitty grades. To you it’s banter, however after a while of dragging their D grade, your comments will hit home and make that person envision their mother on results day, crying; telling them that she’s “very disappointed”
  • Mention that choosing your A-levels is so incredibly difficult due to the fact that because you are flourishing in every subject, and have only ever seen A*s on your end of topic tests, all of the teachers are pushing you do do their subject. Meanwhile, in the land of failure, everyone else is stuggling to choose between the subjects that they have been specifically told not to do. Oh, to have such a selection.
  • Complain about not receiving any ‘working above grade’s in the End of Term Reports as your targets are all A*s, and A*s are what you are working at.
  • Tell everyone that you’ve already started revising for your mocks.
  • Talk about how much sleep you are getting at night. The amount teenagers are supposed to have is 8, so make sure that you drop in the conversation that as you finish your daily revision at 20:00, you get 11 hours. Every day. *Honestly, I can’t remember the last time that I went to bed before 11 (and I wonder why I have purple bags under my eyes)
  • Oh yeah, please do tell everyone about your after school running sessions and how you have lost so much weight (or mass) whilst doing so.
  • Remember to gather up all of your friends after an exam and go up to unexpected people asking them to reveal when they wrote for question 16b, only to crush their souls and future prospects by telling them that their answer was in fact wrong – make sure that you explain the process of reaching your answer too, it makes everyone feel great and tells them that there is no chance in hell that they will get method marks, the marks that everyone heavily relies on.
  • Or you could simply ask them how their revision is going.
  • Or about how many times that they have re-read the set texts.
  • When you’re in class, read your notes of the people sitting next to you and point out all of the mistakes that they have made, making them re-do the precious work that they were going to post on Tumblr.
  • 10 minutes before an exam, eavesdrop on the people standing next to you, frantically shouting facts at eachother, and as a joke tell them that they are incorrect. #lol
  • Ask for more paper ten minutes into the exam.
  • Boast about how, for revision, you have made long ass notes on every single page of the textbook, as well as past paper questions you printed off the internet. Ensure that you also inform everyone about your much colour-coded such detailed diagrams on literally everything. All the while, everyone else is sitting there having only done the easy summary questions. #muchrelate
  • Tell your homework buddy 5 minutes before your next lesson that the 2 incredibly difficult physics sheets are due that period. Or, inform them at 19:00 that there is a 500 word Spanish essay that needs to be handed in the next morning. *it’s always great to receive those texts
  • Gloat that you aren’t stressed for an upcoming test as you have prepared 2 weeks before the teacher told you that you have an upcoming test.
  • Start counting down the days until the very first GCSE exam, telling everyone every day how long left until the worst two months of their lives. Make sure that you post it on Snapchat and Instagram too; inform those who have successfully survived their exams and give them post traumatic stress disorder.

But seriously, please don’t. I can’t afford to lose any more hair; it’s dropping out like I’m a bloody Labrador.

*I’m a bitch, but not of that kind smh

 

Best wishes,

Sofia

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