It’s the most wonderful time of the year to piss your family off, however, as it would make the festive period incredibly awkward, I suggest you follow these simple rules:
- Do pretend to like your presents. I know that complaining is douchey considering the circumstances that the world is in, however it’s polite to at least say thank you for the coconut body balm Uncle Patrick gives you. Even if it gives you a headache and makes you want to throw up.
- Don’t join in on political debates unless you a) know what you’re talking about b) want to get killed with the carving knife or c) never want to speak to your grandparents again. *just nod and play with the barbie your auntie bought you (even though you are 15)
- When you hear the knocking of the door, do hide for 15 minutes until it’s safe to go downstairs and say hello to your very friendly relatives.
- Do pretend to be excited about Santa in front of your small and innocent cousins who are still big believers.
- And don’t tell them that he’s fake. Not unless you want the children’s parents to drink all of the wine whilst their kids are producing tiny puddles of tears on the living room floor.
- Don’t encourage your dog to play with the real af Christmas tree.
- Do make sure to wear the sweater your grandma gave you 2 Christmases ago. She will always remember. Always.
- Don’t sneak off to the toilet to check social media during the meal as your family will bitch about you.
- Do make sure that your humour isn’t too sarcastic or subjective, as your family won’t understand and will probably get offended.
- Don’t mention Auntie Janine’s 4th ex-husband.
- Or joke about that fact that all of her children are now on drugs.
- Don’t speak about the US election with American relatives, and don’t speak about Brexit with your British ones.
- Remember to eat too much.
- Don’t speak about how Christmas is becoming increasingly commercialised and is being more of a consumer holiday than a Christian one with your Roman Catholic godparents.
- Do tweet about what a shit time you are having.
- Do pretend to be more excited watching your parents open their presents than your dog.
- Don’t make anyone cry.
- Do evesdrop on your grandma and co gossiping about the family in the kitchen whilst they prepare the turkey.
- But don’t say yes if they ask you if you heard anything.
- Don’t post a photo of all of your presents on social media – I can assure you that no one cares (and will judge you immensely)
- If the constant conversations about your future get tiresome, just make up a career and life aspirations that will make your parents gasp in horror, and your grandparents want to take you to church.
- Do Snapchat your drunk relatives, but make sure that you stop as soon as someone starts crying and revealing some serious relationship problems that make everyone cringe and want to run away into the toilet.
- Walk a pet (even if it’s a cat) if speaking to others gets too much.
Good luck folks and have a lovely Christmas!