How To

How to Spot a Chav

#nooffence


  • White Adidas Superstar trainers.
  • White matching Adidas tracksuit.
  • White Adidas backpack.
  • Okay, fine, the person is littered with the chavvy brand.
  • Or, if the person is a girl, she is alternatively wearing something from Victoria Secret PINK.
  • Grey tracksuit bottoms, skintight around the thighs, and ends flared, with the brand name written in jewels or sequins around the bum.
  • There is a knife in their back pocket.
  • Vocabulary is used that would not even be considered to add into the Oxford English Dictionary, let alone the national dialect.
  • Croydon face lift (top knot) or man-bun.
  • Ears pierced if a guy.
  • Go to MacDonald’s in the daytime.
  • Their room is filled with empty cider cans and vodka bottles from the corner shop.
  • Go to a dodgy skate park and look for dodgy older men and women handing out dodgy sticks and grass-like substances to 13 year olds.
  • They are pretending to smoke.
  • They aspire to go on Jeremy Kyle.
  • Or have already been on the show.
  • If a girl, look out for skin-tight white jeggings and/or a crop top, with half of her stomach practically dragging on the ground.
  • If a boy, look out for bald patches on the sides of or all of his head (basically look for a fboy)
  • When in a close radius with said ‘chav’, you can see old ladies trying to cross the road in attempt to flee the upcoming crime scene.
  • Go to the places in town you stay away from at night (and in the day).
  • When out and about, they seem to breed and spread their chaviness like wildfire
  • They probably think that they are American.
  • Their twitter account is active and super unfunny; with their tweets, only ‘relatable’ to those who also have little to no brain cells.
  • The PM is unknown to them. (Theresa May btw)
  • Go on Facebook.
  • Follow the mockery of ‘posh’ people and ‘posh’ voices.
  • Play or reference the Inbetweeners, which is, apparently, the funniest British TV show according to teenage chavs.
  • Follow the songs and tunes of either a) mainstream artists, b) rappers, or c) Oasis and Catfish and the Bottlemen screeching from their crappy cars.
  • Search the hastag: #lad
  • Use the descriptions taken from Urban Dictionary. One of my favourites (made by a person called ‘chavspotting’) describes chavs as ‘incredibly fertile beasts, and are highly successful breeders’. The person also states that although chavs ‘own mainly sportswear, they will only break sweat if running from the police’. Use these to help you.
  • Search for  unnatural and frizzy bleach blonde hair.
  • And also a mane that is riddled with extensions; often described as horse hair by toffs.
  • Watch the news.

That’s all I have for now, however, feel free to add some more in the comment section.


Just to let you know, I will be posting more of these so don’t worry if you felt like you missed out.

Oh, and for all of the ‘I’m not posh’ grammar school girls from South Bucks – you’re next.

 

Best wishes,

Sofia

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