You’re Not A Class-Clown, Just An Asshole Diagnosis

School life isn’t like how it’s depicted in the movies; the soundtrack is just internal screaming and the class-clowns are disruptive little shi…


Symptoms are as follows:

  • You are constantly rude to teachers.
  • You are constantly rude to younger students.
  • You are constantly rude to your peers.
  • Tbh you are constantly rude to everyone, it’s hard to tell when you aren’t.
  • It is for that reason why most are scared of you. Including teachers.
  • In addition to Year 7s being terrified of bumping into you in the corridor, the teachers don’t like your presence that much either. Even if you can’t see it yourself.
  • You make jokes that no one finds funny apart from you. In fact you probably think that you are absolutely hilarious; the next best comedian to come out of a grammar school in Bucks (and as most people hate grammar schools, your background won’t win you over).
  • And the god-awful jokes you don’t make are usually ignorant and/or completely insensitive.
  • You don’t care about school, meaning that you: have a complete disregard for school rules, disrupt EVERY SINGLE LESSON and end up in detention almost every day.
  • You are insecure, but take it out on others.
  • You aren’t trustworthy, and so have few close friends (#sorrynotsorry)
  • You are annoying to everyone but yourself and your friends.
  • You make fun of people who have no social life (ie me).
  • You are pretty attention seeking and have bags of confidence most people wish they have.
  • However, the most annoying thing about you is that you act stupid when in reality you are the total opposite: incredibly smart.
  • You also create a “hard” persona; acting aggressive when questioned (rightfully).

Do you relate? If so, you are probably an asshole. An annoyingly smart and time-wasting asshole.

Treatments;

  • Fuck off
  • Show off your intelligence rather than your ignorance
  • Refrain from general rudeness
  • Only contribute in lessons when you have something actually worthwhile to say
  • Pipe down a bit
  • Try to understand other people, and acknowledge that not everyone you call a ‘loser’ deserves that title.
  • Be nice to teachers please
  • Don’t slut shame (or any kind of shame)

 

I hope more people would take my advice on the last few points.

 

Best wishes,

Sofia

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You’re a Tourist Diagnosis 

Everyone is secretly a little bit self-conscious about looking like, and being a tourist.

Honestly, I am not ashamed to admit that I have been a stereotypical tourist; it’s just something that you just have to take on board and deal with for a week or two. So, at the end of the day, you shouldn’t be ashamed either.

This said, the first step to overcoming the hideously annoying personality trait is always the hardest. In this case the key is to acknowledge the evidence and accept it.

So that’s where I come in.

I will display a list of common symptoms and if you have done/ suffered the following, you need to get less irritating. Please.

  • Firstly, you have pulled out a map in the middle of the street, not just once, but multiple times. In fact, you have pulled out said map more frequently than you would whip out your phone at a boring af family function.
  • You have taken a selfie using a selfie stick. In public. Seriously, for the love of God, put it away.
  • You have stopped in the middle of a busy pavement during rush hour. *I mean, it’s great that you love the architecture so much, and it’s even better that you are appreciating it, just make sure when you have your little numinous moments you stand on the road, in front of that big red double-decker bus coming towards you.
  • You have been openly racist, said some disrespectful saying, or a sweeping generalisation in front of a group of locals. *Don’t blame me when you have unexpected cups of tea being thrown in your face.
  • You have travelled on a tourist bus in the city.
  • You don’t understand their metro/ train system. *What do the coloured lines mean???
  • You have tried (and failed) as speaking the language.
  • You visit more high key tourist areas in 3 days than a local would in 10 years.
  • The jet lag is real. So goddamn real.
  • Overpacking is essential to your holiday.
  • You blow your budget in about an hour, buying shitty keychains and fridge magnets that you will never ever use again.
  • Don’t forget the overpriced t-shirts and baseball caps.
  • You spend your day checking your watch, comparing that time to the one back home.
  • Everything is super expensive.
  • Your suitcase becomes 10x heavier after the holiday due to the endless amount of leaflets and guides that you were bombarded with during your trip.
  • By the end of the trip you have tried to blend in with everyone else; changing your fashion sense, accent and demeanour to fit in.
  • You walk loads. I mean, more than 10,000 steps a day.
  • Everything you see is a good photo opportunity.
  • Meeting other tourists give you “life”
  • You check trip advisor more than Facebook.
  • And that’s saying something, as the amount of photographs you are sharing on there is enough to make the Kardashians cringe.
  • You take more pictures of food than necessary. *Which is none btw.
  • You have had the runs due to the cuisine served.
  • Asking for directions only made you lost as they sent you the wrong way. Thanks a bunch.
  • You are either unbelievably sunburnt, the same colour, or unbelievably tanned (and everyone takes the piss regardless).
  • You drink like a fish just because.
  • You like to travel in groups no fewer than 4.

Are more than 10 of these ticked off? Well that only means one thing: you are a fully fledged tourist. Congrats.

Treatments;

  • Pretend that you are not a tourist
  • Stop doing all of the above
  • Chill out a lil bit

Best wishes,

Sofia

You’re Savage Diagnosis 

Just a bit of banter amirite?

Symptoms are as follows;

  • You comeback better than Hilary Clinton in the presidential debates
  • The people in school are afraid of you
  • Including teachers
  • You spend your maths lessons in the back of class, thinking about your next insult
  • People either love you or hate you
  • What comes out of your mouth is controversial 
  • However you know what the boundaries are
  • You secretly hate everyone 
  • People think that what you say is a joke…
  • You have joy in reading the comment sections on YouTube and Instagram
  • You give as well as you take
  • If you could create a new Facebook account just to post salty comments underneath everyone’s statuses you would
  • Twitter gives you life
  • Donald Trump’s quotes give you life 
  • Your words can be taken both ways
  • Sensitive people “strongly dislike” you or aren’t on your level
  • Your Instagram captions are low-key incredibly shady
  • Some people don’t understand you 
  • You are constantly saying “sorry” or “only joking”
  • You have left people in tears
  • You give zero-fu**s
  • When you were little you were alsways told off for “speaking back”
  • You’re surprised that you still have friends
  • School is a salty battlefield 
  • You have definitely sub-tweeted in real life
  • Confrontation is not difficult
  • And you especially enjoy calling out that person face-to-face when they deserve it, or have done something to a friend
  • You are loyal
  • You live for the bants
  • You are not afraid to call yourself a savage

If you have more than half of these symptoms, it is with pleasure that I diagnose you with being a savage, the personality trait that makes people run, hide and cry.

Treatments;

  • Let it all out honey, let it all out

Best wishes,

Sofia

You’re Vain Diagnosis

Symptoms are as follows;

  • You are pretty, or at least you think you are
  • Every mirror is a friend, when walking past one you have to stop and make sure everything’s okay
  • You aren’t afraid of your reflection – you believe that it’s a privilege to witness such a beautiful view
  • Carly Simpson’s song – “You’re so vain” is basically a theme tune to your life
  • You can relate to Kim Kardashian (…)
  • Addicted is not a strong enough word to describe your relationship with social media and the amount of selfies you take
  • Every notification (other than your likes on Instagram) are from iCloud telling you that your storage is almost full – probably due to the heaps of pictures you take of yourself everyday
  • If you aren’t stalking that guy from your English class, your stalking your own profile. *guilty
  • You often get distracted by  your beauty, especially in between episodes on Netflix
  • Everyone has to wait for you before a night out due to the excessive amount of time you spend “getting ready”
  • Crying is for when your makeup is off – you did not spend one hour of your life  perfecting your eyeliner wing for a cute puppy to send your face into a waterside
  • You would rate yourself a solid 10/10 *who doesn’t
  • Making jokes on your good looks should become your full-time profession
  • Forget the Sun, the world revolves around you.
  • You have a go-to pose for every. Single. Picture.

Feel like you have a deep connection with more than 6 of these? Want to deny some of them but you know they are extremely accurate? You’re vain. You probably think that this blog is about you. (In a way I suppose it is)

Treatments;

  • Get your friends to roast you
  • Chill out a bit
  • Accept your flaws – no one’s perfect.
  • And accept that everyone has ‘off’ days
  • Google it because I have no idea what I’m talking about

 

Best wishes,

Sofia

You’re Angry Diagnosis

Symptoms are as follows;

  • Your mum has just told you to do something
  • Microsoft word is not responding
  • You have forgotten that you have a poetry exam in four hours time
  • Your face is puffing up
  • You can feel the rush of blood to your head
  • Someone has read your text and not replied
  • You are ready to scream at someone
  • An inability to use a word other than “fine”
  • Your computer will not turn on
  • When someone asks if you are okay you get an overwhelming sensation of something, although I’m not sure what it is, probably it’s the overwhelming sendation to rip your head off. Or maybe the feeling of jumping off a cliff. (Please don’t)
  • Its that time of the month…
  • Your Resting Bitch Face is turned up to maximum
  • You have just received a lecture from your parents for no apparent reason- all you did was say that you were hungry
  • Becky asked for her hair lotion back in exchange for your man
  • Is it a full moon?

If you are in any of the situations listed above, or look like any of the descriptions stated, i have reason to believe that you are angry. Welcome to land of sarcasm, pessimism and bad attitude!

Treatments;

  • Drink some water
  • Count to 10
  • Lock yourself in your room and dont come out until you feel like everyone around you is safe
  • Hungry? Have some Snickers
  • Attempt to sort your life out
  • Avoid things that make it worse
  • Listen to music
  • Do some yoga
  • Spend loads of money

 

Best wishes,

Sofia

You’re an Annoying Person Diagnosis

Symptoms are as follows;

  • You are louder than most people
  • Tutting when behind someone in a queue
  • Most people tend grit their teeth when in a conversation with you
  • You get on a train when others are still walking off
  • You walk slowly behind and in front of people
  • Tending to ignore kind and affectionate gestures eg holding the door open
  • Forgetting your manners more often than not
  • Using abbreviations like “lol”, “omg” and “yolo” out loud
  • Listening to a song with a group of people and singing the lyrics wrong repeatedly
  • You ignore advice
  • When you constantly fish for compliments yet can’t accept them
  •  You eat with your mouth open and enjoy speaking about 10cm away from the face of the opposite person, who narrowly misses the piece of fish that splatters out of your mouth and on to their plate (and you don’t apologize)
  • You don’t wear deodorant because you think that smelling like a homeless old man is perfectly normal? (By the way; it’s not)
  •  You don’t pick up your dog’s poo for the enjoyment of the next person who steps in that little bundle of joy
  • You like to lie. A lot.
  • Having little or no friends (bit harsh I know
  • You walk up to people and begin a conversation however you fail to try to carry it on and seem disinterested when the recipient is trying to carry on the mess you made
  • Or you sit by a group of people and expect them to talk to you
  • You have nothing to say apart from bitching about the same person over and over again

This is a common illness so do not fret if you suffer from a couple of these (however if you don’t use deodorant then I advise that you should buy some. It actually works.)

This said, if you have seven or more of these symptoms then some common treatments include;

-stop doing all of your symptoms for the sanity of others
I hope this helps!

Best wishes,

Sofia

Resting Bitch Face Syndrome Diagnosis 

(Or sometimes called RBFS)

Symptoms are as follows;

  • Looking like you’re about to kill someone when in reality you really like the gift you just received from Auntie Beth
  • Getting asked about three “are you okay?” and four “period?” comments just by looking at someone during a conversation (obviously the latter doesn’t occur for men) (unless…)
  • The inability to look interested without looking overly enthusiastic/ patronising/ sarcastic
  • You are able make people feel awful, scared, boring, unwanted, unloved just by looking at them
  • Not being able to tell the difference between your “man, I’m going to beat the crap out of you” face and your “wow, I find you really interesting. Please tell me more about your work in accounting” face.
  • You don’t have wrinkles
  • It is pretty much the only facial expression you have
  • You could turn Medusa into stone
  • You aren’t really sure what smiling is anymore, or at least non-fake smiling
  • You have the same facial expression all of the time, unless someone tries to be funny, in which case your facial expression intensifies into this “fight me” look, which leaves the person in tears, fearing for their life.
  • You can make small children cry too

If you have just some of the above then it is with pleasure that I diagnose you with RBFS, the facial expression that lasts a lifetime.

Treatments;

– None. You are screwed.

Good luck!
Best wishes,

Sofia