Snapchat Dos and Don’ts

For those who have no idea, Snapchat is a video/ photo sharing platform on which teenagers share and send random crap to each other that, most of the time, contextually doesn’t make sense.

So I thought that, after offending all of my mum’s friends on Facebook,  I would offend all of my own by complaining about their Snapchat habits. Enjoy 🙂


  • Okay I think the first ”don’t” has to be one about posting loads of crap on your story. Obviously it’s lovely that you are enjoying your day out, I just don’t want to see every second of it, even if you think that your friends are being particularly entertaining.
  • And that also goes for posting loads of unfunny memes. Just don’t.
  • Do try to make your snapchats funny, or at least broadly interesting.
  • But please don’t indirect your crush, because no one needs a crying selfie with the caption “pain”. No one asked for that amount of cringe in their life – use Twitter.
  • And don’t use your story to target certain people in a negative way. For example, when someone posts something like “so pissed off *huffing face* *huffing face*”, no one actually cares. Similarly when you complain about how you “can’t believe he’s done this”, what do you think that guy’s thinking? (probably ‘thank fuck I got out of that one’)
  • Don’t publically drug deal on Snapchat. It’s kind of funny, but it’s also a little too much lol.
  • Do use the Snapchat filters – live your life – but don’t overuse them. We all get that they are humorous, but it’s also nice to actually see someone’s face.
  • Don’t believe that streaks are the be-all and end-all of every friendship that you have. Yes it’s significant that you have sent a Snapchat to someone for 573 days in a row, but how many conversations with that person have you had in that time? Try having an actual conversation from time to time.
  • On the topic of having a streak with someone, what’s the point if that person only sends a blank screen with the letter ‘s’ or the word ”streaks”?
  • Don’t ask random people you don’t know for nudes because it’s creepy af.
  • Do try and sound normal on Snapchat. Playing up for your mates and sounding extra road would work if you weren’t a posh white boy from Buckinghamshire.
  • Likewise if you are road, don’t try to sound extra aggressive with something like “holllaaaa mans got 7grand in his account, mad ting. Mans gonna have bare Armani innit smd. Shank o clock.” As a posh white girl from Buckinghamshire I’m not amused.
  • Don’t have conversations with people when they are sending ugly photos of themselves and you are just sending photos of a black screen. What’s up with that?
  • Do use the text section carefully, we all know how easy pressing the call button is.
  • And how annoying is it when you’re halfway through typing your reply to someone and their bitmoji pops up, meaning that they’re ready to interrupt you at any moment so you type extra quickly, thus creating a spew of words even autocorrect can’t interpret? Very. So just wait.
  • Don’t get into the ‘let’s send each other pics of our face without any comment’ conversation, because you can’t get out of it without looking like a bad person.
  • Don’t post on your story for people to “pop up” or “ft (facetime)” and say that you don’t care who, because that makes everyone feel so loved and wanted (and also makes you sound desperate).
  • Also, please don’t post on your story that you will be giving “sr (slow replies)” or “nr (no replies)”, because does anyone actually give a shit? I can wait for your Snapchat, especially when I don’t Snapchat you, or when I know that it’s just going to have the word “streaks” on it.
  • Don’t open something and not reply within the next minute. Actually, scrap that, make it 15 seconds lol.
  • Do create Snapchat group chats, just please don’t spam them.
  • And finally, don’t block me on Snapmaps – I want to stalk your every movement.

That’s all I have for now, but (don’t) feel free to give me more reasons to write a Part 2 to this.

 

Best wishes,

Sofia

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Party Dos and Don’ts

~Please don’t listen to my advice, there is a reason I don’t go to parties. But if you don’t care and need all of the help you can get, these may be of some use~


  • Do drink underage and post the photos of you doing so on your public social media platforms. It won’t come back to haunt you.
  • Make sure that you dress inappropriately. *You have to do this in order to fit in
  • Don’t start an Instagram or Facebook live whilst at the party. Don’t be annoying.
  • Try to refrain from over energetic dance moves that hit everyone in the face.
  • Do succumb to peer pressure. Sure, go against everything you have learnt during the PSHE lessons you were forced to sit through.
  • Don’t be yourself when interacting with others. Don’t tell them weird shit; save that until they stumble across your Facebook profile and scroll down to May 2010 and are forced to explain yourself.
  • Do make eye contact with people. Try not to blink and see how long it takes until they become uncomfortable.
  • Pretend to be really ‘popular’ to get everyone from other schools to like you. (And to boost you following on social media)
  • Do get top ups for your drink from that dodgy kid at the back of your French class.
  • Do try to like pop music for a few hours, especially songs like ‘ciao adios’ and ‘text from your ex’ that are particularly unlistenable and are shit, yet everyone somehow likes them anyway.
  • Don’t let anyone snatch your alcohol or spike your drink; bring your own two-litre lemonade bottle filled with a vodka mix to keep you happy.
  • Don’t accidently call the police.
  • But do accidently call everyone who wasn’t invited and tell them what a great time your are having.
  • Do make sure that your group takes loads of photos on social media -specifically Facebook – tagging you so that your family are also aware of the illegal happenings and refuse to allow you to go to another party for a couple of weeks.
  • Don’t start a conversation with that one girl who speaks too much because we all know that it won’t end. In fact, that goes for starting a conversation with an unbearably dull person – just don’t do it.
  • Do make sure that the host’s parents are aware of the party and/ or are okay with the idea of having drunk, and heavily stoned, teenagers stumbling around their house for a few hours.
  • Don’t volunteer to DJ the party. I mean, you can, but people will most definitely get pissed off with you for not succumbing to their shitty music taste.
  • Also, don’t be the one to get pissed off with the DJ.
  • Refrain from drug abuse (except from paracetamol intake for a sore head)
  • Don’t go with any friends, this way you are more awkward and therefore fewer people will come up to you.
  • Do turn up uninvited – this goes down a real treat.

I hope some of these didn’t/ did help.

Stay safe,

Sofia

Christmas Dos and Don’ts

It’s the most wonderful time of the year to piss your family off, however, as it would make the festive period incredibly awkward, I suggest you follow these simple rules:

  • Do pretend to like your presents. I know that complaining is douchey considering the circumstances that the world is in, however it’s polite to at least say thank you for the coconut body balm Uncle Patrick gives you. Even if it gives you a headache and makes you want to throw up.
  • Don’t join in on political debates unless you a) know what you’re talking about b) want to get killed with the carving knife or c) never want to speak to your grandparents again. *just nod and play with the barbie your auntie bought you (even though you are 15)
  • When you hear the knocking of the door, do hide for 15 minutes until it’s safe to go downstairs and say hello to your very friendly relatives.
  • Do pretend to be excited about Santa in front of your small and innocent cousins who are still big believers.
  • And don’t tell them that he’s fake. Not unless you want the children’s parents to drink all of the wine whilst their kids are producing tiny puddles of tears on the living room floor.
  • Don’t encourage your dog to play with the real af Christmas tree.
  • Do make sure to wear the sweater your grandma gave you 2 Christmases ago. She will always remember. Always.
  • Don’t sneak off to the toilet to check social media during the meal as your family will bitch about you.
  • Do make sure that your humour isn’t too sarcastic or subjective, as your family won’t understand and will probably get offended.
  • Don’t mention Auntie Janine’s 4th ex-husband.
  • Or joke about that fact that all of her children are now on drugs.
  • Don’t speak about the US election with American relatives, and don’t speak about Brexit with your British ones.
  • Remember to eat too much.
  • Don’t speak about how Christmas is becoming increasingly commercialised and is being more of a consumer holiday than a Christian one with your Roman Catholic godparents.
  • Do tweet about what a shit time you are having.
  • Do pretend to be more excited watching your parents open their presents than your dog.
  • Don’t make anyone cry.
  • Do evesdrop on your grandma and co gossiping about the family in the kitchen whilst they prepare the turkey.
  • But don’t say yes if they ask you if you heard anything.
  • Don’t post a photo of all of your presents on social media – I can assure you that no one cares (and will judge you immensely)
  • If the constant conversations about your future get tiresome, just make up a career and life aspirations that will make your parents gasp in horror, and your grandparents want to take you to church.
  • Do Snapchat your drunk relatives, but make sure that you stop as soon as someone starts crying and revealing some serious relationship problems that make everyone cringe and want to run away into the toilet.
  • Walk a pet (even if it’s a cat) if speaking to others gets too much.

Good luck folks and have a lovely Christmas!
Best wishes,

Sofia

Facebook Dos and Don’ts

With middle-aged women, drunk or pregnant twenty-somethings, cider-drinking thirteen year old boys from Brixton and travelling students roaming your timeline, the book of face is a strange, strange place. Lord knows why you still have an account.

So the next time Megan posts a photo of her revolting, frivolous luncheon, or when Rhonda decides that it’s a good time to share her support for the Donald, not only face palm, but also share this post with them. Please. #saveyourfacebooktimeline

Here is a list of Facebook dos and don’ts to help make the scrolling experience more productive.

  1. Unlike Megan, no one thinks that a plate of uncooked chicken is goals. Nor does anyone think that a plate of black sludge is appetising. Sorry to break it to you but the food that makes you #blessed makes me uncomfortable *and also puts me into fits of laughter. Don’t be like Megan.
  2. Look I get it, you really want to go to Coachella with me – but dude have you seen the prices? Hell no I’m not forking out £100 to spend 2+ days with you. In a tent. No thanks. Moral of the story = please don’t send random invitations to events.
  3. Also please don’t send me candy crush invites. Just don’t. I will candy crush your face in a minute.
  4. Do upload cool photos of your holiday, it’s nice to know what you’re up to. However, please don’t post a new album every. Minute. Of. The. Day.
  5. Now for Rhonda, supporter of the Donald – WHY??? I don’t need a two page racist rant on why you hate the Mexicans this early in the morning. Actually, I take that back. I don’t need a two page racist rant ever, so why give me one when it’s not necessary?
  6. I’m so happy for you and I am super glad that you are pregnant, but I don’t need to see your happiness and belly button whenever I refresh my google tab. An update is lovely once in a while, however a live stream is not helpful when I am bunking off work in the toilet cubicle and checking my timeline quickly.
  7. Next is Brendan the hunky 6ft stranger you met at the club. There is nothing wrong with Brendan, we just need to take a second to pray for his iCloud storage as it’s clearly filled with the heaps of gym selfies flooding his profile. Do go the the gym, just don’t document your journey from the treadmill to the rowing machines. Thanks.
  8. Depression is not a laughing matter; so why are you misusing the word and mentioning how “depressed” you are in your status? And why don’t you want to talk about it when you’re asked what’s wrong?
  9. Don’t brag. Please don’t brag.
  10. Do think before you like/ share/ comment on something. Everyone can see what you are doing and in this PC world someone will get offended. For example, by sharing a YouTube video of some cute cats, dog lovers will be upset. Naturally. It’s in their blood.
  11. Oh my goodness I had no idea that you two were seeing each other. Oh wait. I do know. Perhaps due to the almost hilarious amount of relationship updates you give your “friends”. We get it, you really like each other’s lips, we just don’t need to see it. Jeez.
  12. Also, please cover up your junk.
  13. Promoters are also seriously annoying. “I think I must have heard about Sofia’s blog one hundred times already. Can someone shut that unfunny girl up – I’m begging you.”
  14. Don’t post a mildly attractive photos of yourself and caption it as “feeling ugly”. Come on, you are quite clearly fishing for compliments.
  15. Please don’t change your profile picture five times a day. Holy moly it was fine the first time!

Happy September 🙂

Best wishes,

Sofia

Argument Do’s and Don’ts

People are fragile, it’s best to treat them with as much caution as possible. So here is a list of what to and not to do when handling these unstable beings in a less than ideal situation:

  1. Don’t say anything to them as whatever you say will most definitely cause offence. Topics best avoided are – gender, race, sexuality, equality, strength of tea, politics, religion, health, Brexit, culture, language, ethnicity, veganism etc
  2. So basically don’t have an opinion on anything (if you do, don’t voice it.)
  3. Apologise if they have symptoms of the anger emotion, regardless of what you thought you did.
  4. When that doesn’t work and they rattle off a long list of things you have done wrong, accept it.
  5. You can disagree with them, of course, just do it discretely. Apologise, then state your point of view – this makes it look like you’re actually sorry, but in reality you are looking at/hearing what they just said in disbelief and annoyance.
  6. Don’t retaliate. Don’t tell the person your take on things all at once, unless you want to witness the pissed emotion (not pleasant) – drip feed it into the conversation.
  7. Do remember to screenshot your conversation/ secretly record it and show all of your friends later or along the way. Or, unless you’re Kim and Kanye, you could broadcast it to the world.
  8. Don’t raise your voice, don’t shout. This allows you to seem unfazed about what’s going on, aggravating the other person, and making them blow their shit.
  9. Soon after that they will storm off in dramatic fashion. Don’t follow, don’t mock them, leave it and walk the other way. Or, if you are having a texting war, close that tab and don’t return to it.
  10. Once the damage is done you should get an outsiders opinion. They will either explain the person’s perspective to you or they will completely disagree with them and join your force (make sure you tweak and exaggerate the conversation).
  11. Oh, and for safety reasons the outsider has to be someone that you trust.
  12. Do calm down. After speaking to people you are just beginning to comprehend your feelings. Please don’t use social media to express your views/ make yourself look stupid.
  13. Once your heart rate has died down again, look at the other person’s “side” again. Is there anything you didn’t really understand before? Was what they said all utter tripe? Chances are, it wasn’t.
  14. Talk to them again, with your, theirs and everyone else’s view in mind. Apologising if necessary. This should be done at least 24 hours after the conversation finished.
  15. If they are still angry, give them more time and/or space. They probably haven’t read this blog post, or have any sense of empathy at all, and so they won’t have seen your side of the argument. (You should also send this to them, because why not?)
  16. Done that and it’s still not working? Forget about it. Accept that your opinions aren’t alike and move on from the situation. (Whether that’s a mutual agreement or the termination of the friendship.) They aren’t worth your time and fantastic empathy skills.

This post is slightly hypocritical as I usually can’t reach number 11 #sorrynotsorry. So I hope that this helps you more than it helps me!

Best wishes,

Sofia

Stressful Dos and Don’ts

I know what you’re thinking, “yes, finally, a blog post on how to deal with stress!” Well today is not your lucky day. I am not going to write anything on how to deal with the emotion that makes you want to rip out all of the strands of hair on your head, as I feel it will be a load of lies, seeing as I have no helpful advice to give apart from procrastinating and binge watching TV programmes on Netflix.

So here is a list of stressy dos and don’ts which will help (I hope) make sure that you don’t make others incredibly stressed, or more so than they already are.

  1. Don’t open people’s text messages/emails/Facebook messages/whatever-the-hell you use messages. It’s stressful and pretty awkward. I mean, why you would leave the sender paranoid, wondering why you wont reply to the “hahahaha” you just received? (okay, so not replying to “haha” texts can be justified seeing as they are so damn hard to reply to)   *by the way I am so guilty of this
  2. When walking, do be aware of others around you. This means don’t move too slowly, too quickly and please don’t stop and start. Additionally, please don’t listen to loud music, ignore the people and cars around you, whilst crossing the road (if you don’t I guess you could have a pretty dramatic death, depending on the music that you listen to)
  3. Don’t constantly talk about exams, tasks and homework due the next day or that morning, regardless of the five hours that you have spent carrying them out. Do you seriously want me to reach Britney Spears’ 2007 stress level? *I swear I am this close.
  4. Please do finish the story that I was looking forward to hearing until you stopped and said, “Oh. Sorry. Doesn’t matter.” Excuse me, I was looking forward to hearing why everyone now hates Becky in class F; regardless of whether I was supposed to know or not. *Please don’t give me false hope.
  5. Don’t whisper in public- in front of someone, behind someone, as they walk past. Just don’t do it, whatever the funny story you want to pass on.
  6. Don’t constantly ask people what they want to do with their life. (By the way, if you ask me, I will most likely break down in tears, contemplating why I spent these last few years wasting my life by watching YouTube videos)
  7. Do keep your achievements to yourself- unless it comes up in a conversation or anyone asks. Don’t get me wrong, I love hearing about things others have done, but I hate hearing them over, and over again, especially when they are said in a very loud, arrogant tone. *No one really cares that you saw Harry Styles’ sister last year in a pub. No one.
  8. Don’t distract people when they are trying to do important work. I mean, you can, but I can’t guarantee that your head will still be attached to your body, or that you’ll have any friends.
  9. Do give people’s things back, and try not to (well, don’t) lose them. There is nothing more annoying than lending something to someone and waiting for about three months, that is, until they eventually decide that there is a gap in their incredibly busy schedule to give back your beloved personal belonging. The waiting is not necessarily the worst bit: it’s when you receive it, and it’s either smaller or bigger that it was originally. *Adds person to the long list of people not to lend things to
  10. Don’t get stressed around people, this creates an atmosphere of stress, which leads to more people getting stressed and then this causes an overload of stress, which means that all everyone can think about is stress. So if you do feel stressed I think it would be preferable to just leave the room, for the sanity of everyone else.
  11. Don’t post everything about your life on Facebook, especially when you are doing things that I should probably be doing right now eg. Revising, sleeping, doing exercise, passing exams, going out with friends, sleeping, having a boyfriend, getting work experience, going to a good college, getting a paid job, going to university, partying, passing your university course, sleeping, getting a promotion, getting engaged, sleeping, getting married, going travelling, getting another promotion, sleeping, having children *I think that’s it
  12. Do talk to me like I am my age; no patronisation, no pretending I am about seven years younger than I am. (And, for your information, I do know my twelve times table)
  13. Don’t be competitive. It’s not fun when a person has double standards and decides to read the rule book (back to front); enforcing silly little regulations on your side but not on their own. *If I don’t like sport, why am I being forced to actually try?
  14. Don’t ask stupid questions loudly. You want to know if trees are herbivores or carnivores- go on the Internet. I really don’t want to listen to your, quite frankly, ignorant comments when I could be finishing my exercise on algebraic fractions.
  15. Don’t breathe loudly *…

 

If you have a friend that stresses you out, you should probably send this to them.

 

Best wishes,

Sofia

Doggy Dos and Don’ts

My pooch is a three year old cockapoo and goes by the name “Squiggle”. We didn’t choose her name. Oh, and she’s a bitch; take that how you want.

Now since I have had a dog I have mentally made a list of dos and don’ts that every owner should follow/ cooperate with, and I have decided to show you some of, what I deem to be, the most important points.
1. Don’t feed them curry, or any other exotic substance for that matter, unless you want to pick up the sludge the next morning.

2. Also don’t feed them anything that’s toxic. Chocolate ice cream is NOT a good idea.

3. Be careful not to aggravate your dog in the evenings or any time that they might be tired. I don’t necessarily stick to this one, however if you still want a nose I suggest that you do. (Yes I have a nose; I am just wary about yours as the amount of times my dog has gone for me after pissing her off for a good twenty five minutes is staggering)

4. Walk her when she needs to be walked. You don’t want to go into your living room and find substances that belong on other people’s verges on your floor. Once I came in from school and my God the house reeked, I walked into the kitchen and the odour deteriorated. Then I saw it. The dog had crapped the biggest crap I think I have ever seen in my life. So this rule is very important.

5. Don’t leave your dog’s poo on the grass. It’s not fun for anyone. Especially when you walk in it and can’t get rid of the smell and sample for months.

6. Take full advantage of the fact that you are in control of another being. Of course animals have rights, but have fun with your dog, play one-sided games. The chances are your dog won’t really care, and you will laugh so hard. (Personally, I love the “try to balance random things on your dog without them falling off”)

7. Although having fun with your pet is a good idea, don’t put their lives at risk. That’s a bad plan. My sister let go of Squiggle’s lead the day after we bought her. Long story short, we were very lucky that all of the cars stopped almost immediately. So pay attention.

8. I like my dog, and I know that others like theirs too. But I don’t want to know about your dog and what they can and can’t do every five minutes. I simply don’t care.

9. Don’t give your dog an accidental nickname; especially when it is rude. I gave Squiggle the nickname “Fuckfuck”. It has since backfired after my parents caught me using it. So I advise you not to come up with an accidental name for your pet.

10. Name your pet a cool name. No explanation needed.

11. Make up games with your pet. I have a game where I chase her around the house whilst chanting “I’m gunna get you”. I believe she enjoys it.

12. A way to make your pet love you forever is to give them food all of the time; if you’re having meat or fish for a meal save some aside. My dog’s favourites are roast anything and carrots. Also feed your dog when they need to be fed, because face-palm.

13. Teach your dog tricks, you will automatically be awesome; just don’t perform them on your walks. You will be judged.

14. Walking your dog is a very good excuse to take pictures of cute landscapes, so make sure you take your pet to picturesque places. You, your dog, and all of your snapchat and Instagram followers will benefit. (The latter, not so much)

15. Don’t leave your pet in the car, it will not end up well. Also, if you must, leave the sunroof or the windows slightly open; too much or too little space determines your dog’s future. #HappyTimes

That’s my mental list of doggy dos and don’ts. I suggest that you follow these, and everyone will be a little bit happier ie me.

If you follow your own list of rules, or follow some of mine selfconsciously please comment!

Best wishes,

Sofia