There are a couple of prime examples in the world of people who took my advice and rode that wave straight to hatred city, do you want to be one of the lucky few?
- Have controversial opinions – make sure that no one else agrees with you.
- Bitch behind everyone’s back – there is no one more dislikeable than someone who enjoys making fun of their ‘friends’ behind their back, and no one more hateable than someone who does so but pretends that they don’t.
- Be untrustworthy – never keep a secret, it’s a fantastic trait to have if you want to have no friends.
- Lie – it’s fun and makes you seem like a jerk
- Don’t say sorry first – whenever you realise that you are wrong, forget about it, and remind yourself that you are amazing and have massive ego
- Always reply with ‘haha’ and nothing else – this is acceptable from time to time, however, there is nothing more dislikeable than someone who is unable to use actual words to reply to something amusing.
- Or never replying to texts and calls – be sure to leave the ‘Read’ receipts on too for full effect.
- Ask for everyone’s Snapchat name – there is nothing more attractive, believe me.
- Don’t pay attention to current affairs – ‘lol who is tereasa mai?’
- Become a daily mail columnist – I mean you will have the company of such great influencers and dick-heads, so why not?
- Be ill-mannered – flat-out rudeness, skipping queues (lol so british), unkindness to those of less privilege, having terrible dining manners and exhibiting foul language in public can all help you become disliked.
- Have zero loyalty – be that friend
- Say the brand name ‘Nike’ wrong (it’s nikey btw) – this one is a pet peeve and I am not sorry for enforcing this onto you as it annoys the shit out of me.
- Be purposefully ignorant – join conversations that are obviously serious, and make some sort of cretinous comment to really lighten the mood and turn faces into disgust.
- Have a lack of ability to read situations – for example don’t make fun of a serious situation in front of a classroom of students
- Make sure that you can’t take a hint – it’s a good attribute to have
- Be incapable of not having your phone for more than a day – always have it by your side, and when you are out with others, prioritise speaking to your online pals rather than the people who have given up their time to be with you.
- Have a certain type of arrogance – carry it with you wherever you go, it is a necessary device
- Never quit a debate or conversation in which you have proved that you were right – we get it – you are right – now you can stop pestering everyone about it
- Be an arse
- Contradict your beliefs – be incredibly hypocritical.
- Have a lack of sense of humour – make sure that you are so boring that people have to imagine you having a personality
- Be smarmy – think Piers Morgan
That’s all folks, sorry that it has been a while.
- White Adidas Superstar trainers.
- White matching Adidas tracksuit.
- White Adidas backpack.
- Okay, fine, the person is littered with the chavvy brand.
- Or, if the person is a girl, she is alternatively wearing something from Victoria Secret PINK.
- Grey tracksuit bottoms, skintight around the thighs, and ends flared, with the brand name written in jewels or sequins around the bum.
- There is a knife in their back pocket.
- Vocabulary is used that would not even be considered to add into the Oxford English Dictionary, let alone the national dialect.
- Croydon face lift (top knot) or man-bun.
- Ears pierced if a guy.
- Go to MacDonald’s in the daytime.
- Their room is filled with empty cider cans and vodka bottles from the corner shop.
- Go to a dodgy skate park and look for dodgy older men and women handing out dodgy sticks and grass-like substances to 13 year olds.
- They are pretending to smoke.
- They aspire to go on Jeremy Kyle.
- Or have already been on the show.
- If a girl, look out for skin-tight white jeggings and/or a crop top, with half of her stomach practically dragging on the ground.
- If a boy, look out for bald patches on the sides of or all of his head (basically look for a fboy)
- When in a close radius with said ‘chav’, you can see old ladies trying to cross the road in attempt to flee the upcoming crime scene.
- Go to the places in town you stay away from at night (and in the day).
- When out and about, they seem to breed and spread their chaviness like wildfire
- They probably think that they are American.
- Their twitter account is active and super unfunny; with their tweets, only ‘relatable’ to those who also have little to no brain cells.
- The PM is unknown to them. (Theresa May btw)
- Go on Facebook.
- Follow the mockery of ‘posh’ people and ‘posh’ voices.
- Play or reference the Inbetweeners, which is, apparently, the funniest British TV show according to teenage chavs.
- Follow the songs and tunes of either a) mainstream artists, b) rappers, or c) Oasis and Catfish and the Bottlemen screeching from their crappy cars.
- Search the hastag: #lad
- Use the descriptions taken from Urban Dictionary. One of my favourites (made by a person called ‘chavspotting’) describes chavs as ‘incredibly fertile beasts, and are highly successful breeders’. The person also states that although chavs ‘own mainly sportswear, they will only break sweat if running from the police’. Use these to help you.
- Search for unnatural and frizzy bleach blonde hair.
- And also a mane that is riddled with extensions; often described as horse hair by toffs.
- Watch the news.
That’s all I have for now, however, feel free to add some more in the comment section.
Just to let you know, I will be posting more of these so don’t worry if you felt like you missed out.
Oh, and for all of the ‘I’m not posh’ grammar school girls from South Bucks – you’re next.
Want to annoy a fellow Year 11? Want to see the look of anxiety on their face as you piss them off? Well you’re in the right place.
Follow these simple rules, sit back, relax, and watch on as the stress mounts:
- Post endless photos of your artsy fartsy, fancy pansy revision notes that probably took a few hours to create. You know, those few hours that everyone else spent procrastinating, looking at that photo as well as the hundreds of other photos on Instagram. And Pinterest. And Tumblr. And Twi..
- Make fun of other people’s shitty grades. To you it’s banter, however after a while of dragging their D grade, your comments will hit home and make that person envision their mother on results day, crying; telling them that she’s “very disappointed”
- Mention that choosing your A-levels is so incredibly difficult due to the fact that because you are flourishing in every subject, and have only ever seen A*s on your end of topic tests, all of the teachers are pushing you do do their subject. Meanwhile, in the land of failure, everyone else is stuggling to choose between the subjects that they have been specifically told not to do. Oh, to have such a selection.
- Complain about not receiving any ‘working above grade’s in the End of Term Reports as your targets are all A*s, and A*s are what you are working at.
- Tell everyone that you’ve already started revising for your mocks.
- Talk about how much sleep you are getting at night. The amount teenagers are supposed to have is 8, so make sure that you drop in the conversation that as you finish your daily revision at 20:00, you get 11 hours. Every day. *Honestly, I can’t remember the last time that I went to bed before 11 (and I wonder why I have purple bags under my eyes)
- Oh yeah, please do tell everyone about your after school running sessions and how you have lost so much weight (or mass) whilst doing so.
- Remember to gather up all of your friends after an exam and go up to unexpected people asking them to reveal when they wrote for question 16b, only to crush their souls and future prospects by telling them that their answer was in fact wrong – make sure that you explain the process of reaching your answer too, it makes everyone feel great and tells them that there is no chance in hell that they will get method marks, the marks that everyone heavily relies on.
- Or you could simply ask them how their revision is going.
- Or about how many times that they have re-read the set texts.
- When you’re in class, read your notes of the people sitting next to you and point out all of the mistakes that they have made, making them re-do the precious work that they were going to post on Tumblr.
- 10 minutes before an exam, eavesdrop on the people standing next to you, frantically shouting facts at eachother, and as a joke tell them that they are incorrect. #lol
- Ask for more paper ten minutes into the exam.
- Boast about how, for revision, you have made long ass notes on every single page of the textbook, as well as past paper questions you printed off the internet. Ensure that you also inform everyone about your much colour-coded such detailed diagrams on literally everything. All the while, everyone else is sitting there having only done the easy summary questions. #muchrelate
- Tell your homework buddy 5 minutes before your next lesson that the 2 incredibly difficult physics sheets are due that period. Or, inform them at 19:00 that there is a 500 word Spanish essay that needs to be handed in the next morning. *it’s always great to receive those texts
- Gloat that you aren’t stressed for an upcoming test as you have prepared 2 weeks before the teacher told you that you have an upcoming test.
- Start counting down the days until the very first GCSE exam, telling everyone every day how long left until the worst two months of their lives. Make sure that you post it on Snapchat and Instagram too; inform those who have successfully survived their exams and give them post traumatic stress disorder.
But seriously, please don’t. I can’t afford to lose any more hair; it’s dropping out like I’m a bloody Labrador.
*I’m a bitch, but not of that kind smh
Pre warning: this post isn’t that funny, so don’t read it if you want to be slightly amused (you have my previous articles for that).
I don’t know what spurred this post on, however, I hope that you find it mildly helpful.
How to deal with people who have changed:
- Firstly, understand that everyone changes over time and that it is normal; regardless of whether or not the change is “good” or “bad”.
- Take a step a back and figure out who the person standing in front of you is.
- Think about their life, the things they have or have not achieved.
- Talk to the person; discuss their choices and discuss their ambitions.
- Ask questions; questions that illustrate your intrigue not your nosiness.
- Stand back and go over the situation again.
- Question yourself – are you still compatible? Do you care enough to continue the friendship/ relationship regardless of differences? Why were you friends with the person to begin with?
- Try to find answers for your questions.
- Mention your doubts with the person – speak to them about this change.
- Regardless of the outcome of your talk, don’t judge them.
- Accept them for who they are; for who they have become, not what they were before.
- Acknowledge that maybe you never really knew who they were before – perhaps it was a facade; a mask.
- Understand that who they are now is someone they can’t change, or won’t change, for you.
- Having spoken to the person and agreeing that you don’t get along anymore you may well lose contact with them – this is okay.
- Make sure that you don’t ignore them forever – speak to them occasionally, once in a blue moon.
- Let go and forgive yourself for doing so.
- However, if you want to continue your relationship, remember that one person changing does not mean that you have to do so too. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not to “fit in”.
- Know that there are better things to waste your life on, don’t do it by faking friendships.
- Make sure that you are getting what you give.
- Finally, celebrate change and new beginnings; sometimes it’s what we need, not necessarily want.
Thanks for getting to the end, I know that it was a bit crap this week.
It’s common knowledge that I am too wonderful that it hurts, so I thought I would share my secrets with you. (Most of these things I don’t do; fabulous comes naturally to me)
You need to;
- Change your name to Sofia (not compulsory, but it is preferred)
- Have at most 8 hours sleep, you don’t want to look too awake. The “dead” look turns a lot of heads so I tend to go with that.
- Dress okay-ish. Keep it comfortable and classy.
- Wear minimal makeup; you don’t want to hide the bags under your eyes.
- Intend to do healthy activities ie go running and then forget. (Jelly > jogging)
- Ignore people who are annoying and way too energetic- no one needs that first thing on a Monday morning, or indeed, ever.
- Binge watch Netflix programmes instead of doing homework or revision. I can learn about Mitochondria tomorrow, right?
- Forget important information that people tell you to do.
- Perfect a good fake laugh that is adaptable for all situations.
- Eat more energy than you use up.
- Spend money on food that you should probably save up for something more important. But to be fair, what’s more important than a Tesco meal deal? Exactly.
- Have nerdy friends to make yourself feel more intellectual (or stupid- depending on how you look at it).
- Act like a superstar. Always.
- Prefect the hair flip/flick- useful for every conversation and weather problems.
- Master the act of having two personalities in lessons- mute and high volume (will damage your ears if listened to for more that two hours)
- Be content with your own company.
- Be content with your own dance moves- I mean seriously, call me Mr Michael Jackson. Actually don’t.
- Live in England for fifteen years, and deal with the consequence of having the lightest, fairest face known to man.
- Burn like plastic in an oven.
- Be known to your local sweet shop manager on a first name basis. Yes, I’m at that level. You can’t deny the haribo people.
- Let the haters suffocate on their wasted breathe.
Until next time,
Here are my top tips;
- Make sure that you have an important issue/assignment to complete.
- Write down the deadline for its conpletion.
- Look at the date.
- Keeping looking.
- Stare at it for 5 minutes
- Whilst doing so – contemplate what you’re gong to have for dinner, how you’re going to make it. Contemplate your entire existence, have an existential crisis. That’s when you know you’re ready.
- Ready to shut that diary/ whatever piece of crap that you just wrote the date on and do something utterly irrelevant – change that lightbulb, dust that spot above the sofa, scroll through your My Trending Stories feed. *Do things that are entertaining, ones that will delay you.
- Next thing you need to do is to make sure that the space around your desk is tidy. Clear up bits of rubbish and make sure that it looks presentable. You can’t start the task when you can’t see past the pieces of paper covering your workspace.
- Okay, now you need to actually sit down and begin whatever it is that you need to do.
- Not for too long – you need some snacks.
- Go to your kitchen and grab some food. *Making something, like a sandwich, is good for procrastination. However, going to the shops is better.
- Snacked up? Good. Let’s do some work now.
- Hold on. Is that a Facebook notification I hear?
- Check it.
- Once you’ve seen the sarcastic and completely illiterate comment that Auntie Val has written beneath your photo, look at the rest of her profile.
- Actually, whilst you’re at it, you may as well find out what your cousins are up to.
- And all other friends.
- And their children.
- Right, that’s enough staking.
- Turn of your notifications and get back to your task.
- Has it been 10 minutes yet? If so, you need the toilet. *Remember to bring your phone.
- 20 minutes of successful procrastination later (great work by the way) you remember that you need to moisturise your legs.
- Moisturise your legs.
- Okay, you should probably do some work now. Perhaps a little longer this time.
- You still there?
- Isn’t a new season of your favourite TV programme starting today?
- Stop what you’re doing – you have to prepare.
- Spend the rest of the hours leading up to the episode catching up on previous ones, reading pointless articles about the programme and sharing your excitement on Twitter.
- Watch the episode.
- Over? Was it good?
- Great. Now you need to make dinner/ order something (anything that floats your boat)
- Wait, is that the time? Wow, it’s late.
- Your task can wait until tomorrow, you know, the day when your family are coming round for a fairly large get-together – good luck with getting anything done.
- Repeat previous steps until reach the night before the deadline. (i.e the most stressful night of your life)
*you may have found some of this post slightly humerus and that’s great, but the sad thing about this is that this post is a fantastic representation of my life.
On that note…..
Here is some guidance;
- *deep breathe*
- Count to ten
- Remember: “patience is a virtue”
- Believe in yourself – you can push through this woman
- Sarcasm is your greatest weapon
- You can also patronise
- Use posh, elaborate words to confuse them even more
- Don’t waste time trying to explain yourself to a bumbling imbecile, they probably won’t understand and will try to (wrongly) undermine you. *You don’t need acceptance from small fools.
- Walk away
- Voice record them to show all of your friends and family
- Or video tape them and post it on Facebook or Twitter to really get your point of view across (and to let them know that they are stupid)
- You could tutor them *lol nah
- Respect their ignorance and unintelligible opinions, however, secretly mock them.
- Send them back to school
- Ignore them
- Sassy comebacks
- Bitchy comebacks
- Treat for anger
- Buy a stress ball, put it in your pocket and use it
- If you’re going in for the punch – take boxing classes beforehand. We don’t want your precious fingers breaking
- Don’t take what they say too personally
- Offer them a trip to the library where they might actually read/learn/gain a few brain cells
- Grab a friend to join the conversation – then leave it to him/her to sort out
- Or just avoid them
I hope this helps for the next time you encounter a “mutation”
There are many ways to deal with people who are regularly patronizing, and, to be honest, most of how I deal with these types of people is to ignore them; however I have decided to give some constructive advice (which you may or may not actually follow)
1. Ask them to repeat what they just said. When you do this it can confirm the tone of their previous comment and can suggest what the meaning was behind it. Repetition can also be a way of determining what your next plan of action is.
2. Deal with them as if you were in their shoes. If you have completely misunderstood their comment, just leave it be. Let it fester in your mind.
3. However if it sounds like they meant it try to not take it literally. Attempting to not be irritated (however hard it may be) is essentially the best advice I can give, and is the only one that won’t result in aggravation.
However, if you have tried to brush it off and it has failed, these few may come in handy.
- Just spit it back at him/her. If they want to treat you like a four year old, treat them like a three year old. There is nothing better than being sassy. Remember: the more savage you are the better.
- Sarcasm always works. Try it.
- Laugh in their face; make them feel awful. This one is slightly harsh and it is probably the most risky and offensive. So I would suggest that you use this one with caution.
- If you don’t know them, glare. Stare them down like there’s no tomorrow.
- If all else fails; ignore that person. In my opinion I have no time for people who emit negative vibes because it just really aggravates me and makes me negative too. So my immediate reaction would be to avoid the person as much as possible. However, this isn’t a long term solution (unless you explicitly know that they live elsewhere, in which case nothing’s stopping you) so try to use the others.
Now some of these aren’t ideal, but they are useful nonetheless. Remember to be cruel but kind, and only result to the harsher one for enemies and people that genuinely make you internally and externally scream.