My braces have officially left my face. I repeat, there are no longer metal bits stapled on my teeth.
And, to mark this very special occasion, I have written this blog post to commemorate all of the times my brace fucked up.
Enjoy, because if you don’t, I essentially suffered for 3 years for nothing.
Contextually, my teeth are fucked up; they always have been. When I was about 9, I had the biggest overbite known to man; at one point my front teeth were practically horizontal. I had to have a retainer for a couple of years, before my dentist realised that they were worse than everyone thought.
He told me that I was missing one of my back teeth (pretty grim ikr), and that one of my adult teeth was sitting at 180 degrees in my gum. This meant going under general anaesthetic twice to make them somewhat normal.
I can’t really remember anything about ‘going under’. Although I remember that I had to strip completely naked and wear the thinnest robe that tied at the back, so my arse crack was on display if my hand slipped from holding it together. I also remember seeing the orthodontists inserting the needle into my forearm and feeling like I was being euthanized; it was terrifying.
After the initial operation, the first tragedy occurred.
It doesn’t really have anything to do with braces, but when I came back I couldn’t eat solid food for about a couple of days, so in that time I survived on custard and jelly. Now, the first word that comes to mind when being encouraged to eat toddler party-food isn’t tragic, in fact my mum allowed me to go into Tesco with her and get some delicious crap for me to eat.
Although, not all of it was that nice. I think I shoved a ton of shit into the trolley, just for the sake of eating whatever I wanted and getting away with it. So, I guess the first tragedy was essentially that my braces forced me to remember the taste of rice pudding; I don’t forgive myself for taking it off the shelf. Gross.
The second, more legit incident, happened on holiday.
I went to Verbier with some family friends, and for the very first night someone decided that it would be a nice idea to rustle up some spag bol; how very middle-class.
Now, I love a bit of spaghetti; I eat more pasta than I probably should. However, my relationship with the Italian dish became strained after it snapped the fuck out of my brace.
Bearing in mind, at this point I only had my braces for less than two months and I was away from my orthodontist for the first time; if anything happened I was basically screwed. Or my teeth were.
I must have been two spoonfuls in, when I heard a crunch. At first I thought that it was some carrot, but then I realised that my mouth was beginning to throb and that I could taste blood.
No, the food wasn’t off. But what was off, was my brace; the whole of the lower left side had come out and was sticking into my gum.
I am not really a screamer, but my god, this challenged me. I remember making eye contact with my sister for a split second before squealing loudly, lolling my head around, and pointing dramatically to my mouth.
Within a couple of seconds, I was pinned down on the sofa, with all of the lamps in the house held up around my head. I felt like I was in an experiment, as though my mum was going to rip up my mouth with her frantic prodding, right up until I heard my sister snapchatting the traumatic experience.
For 15 minutes the only thing the adults managed to achieve was making the hole in my cheek larger, whilst pretending to know what they were doing.
Then, miraculously, my dad’s friend remembered he knew an orthodontist (other than my mum), which was great, as by that point I was fed up of tweezers pricking at my teeth. He called her up and he basically explained my situation. Evidently, that conversation ended with some pliers being shoved down my throat. (that said, they did manage to cut the strip of metal embedded in my gum)
The third tragedy was not being able to eat certain foods without my brace snapping (not to the extent as before lol).
Now, we all know that eating a Curly Wurly is not the best idea, but no one tells you that melon and ice cream are just as bad. (#protip: you can still eat apple, just make sure that you cut it up into small pieces xx)
Lollipops, hard sweets; all, understandably, incompatible with braces. But simple foods, nice foods; why? Life is not fair. My heart is pained.
Also, since having braces, pineapple has made my mouth bleed. I mentioned it in a previous post about hating braces, but since writing it, I have concluded that it directly correlates to having braces. It’s not really relevant, but I just thought that it was useful information to add to a conspiracy theory floating around.
Thank for read 🙂
Hopefully I won’t have to write another blog post about braces.